Why don’t Cubans have any Olympic teams?
   Because all the Cubans who can run, jump, or swim have already left the country.

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
   You would too if your name was urrrgghhhhhh!

Did you know they’re putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
   Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

What’s “black-white” and purple?
   Michael Jackson’s dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.

Why was Michael Jackson grounded?
   He was “Bad”.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
   A fridge doesn’t fart after you take your meat out of it!

What were Michael Jackson’s baby’s first words?
   Which one’s mommy?

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
   The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?
   Both are force fed to little boys.

How do we know Michael is guilty?
   Several children have fingered him.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
   A proctologist doesn’t pay for the assholes he’s poked around in.

I just bought a new car stereo… When you shout out “Soul”, it plays soul music.  When you shout out “Rock”, it plays rock music.  Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted “fucking kids!”, and it played Michael Jackson.

How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
   There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
   One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Heard about Michael Jackson’s new song?
   I’m forever blowing Bubbles!

After his wife had a baby, Michael Jackson asked the doctor when it would be OK to have sex again.
   The doctor told him he should wait until the kid was at least 12 or 13 years old.

Why has Michael been appearing on children’s shows lately?
   He has a lot to plug.

What’s the first problem the Michael’s child will have in life?
   Figuring out which parent is his mother.

What’s brown and often found in a baby’s diaper?
   Michael Jackson’s hand.

Where does Michael Jackson write his songs for the kids?
   In his tanning salon.

What’s sex like for Michael?
   Child’s Play.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
   Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.

What do Michael Jackson and Catholic school nuns have in common?
   Both are a pain in the ass to kids.

Michael Jackson…I can’t decide if he’s black or white, male or female, gay or straight?

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
   About two dress sizes!

Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
   So his guests won’t be accompanied by guardians!

What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30 young boys?
   Monsigneur.

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
   He thought it was a delivery service.

What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
   They both come in a little behind.

What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
   “Shit happens!”

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
   Because there are twenty of them.

What was Michael Jackson thinking about on his wedding night?
   Hmmm, now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own.

Who does Michael Jackson consider to be a Perfect “10″?
   Two 5 year olds.

Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his willy?
   Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairy Lea!

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
   A Michael Jackson slumber party.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
   One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Who’s happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over?
   Bubbles.

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. – you know in a few years they’ll probably change his name to:  The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson’s Baby.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
   From a catalogue.

What child’s game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
   Got your nose! Put it back!

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
   One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.

Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi?
   Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles!

How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
   Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song.

Have you heard about Michael Jackson’s New Book?
   It’s called “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing”.

McDonald’s is bringing out a new “Michael Jackson Burger”…It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.

The new burger at McDonald’s is called the McJackson.  It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.

Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
   He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he’d join in.

Why doesn’t Michael sleep with boys anymore?
   He’s tired of all the cracks.

Why did Michael Jackson check into the Betty Ford clinic?
   To get over his 11 year crack habit.

What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
   Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

How do we know Michael Jackson isn’t really a virgin?
   He’s got children out the ass.

What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he popped the question?
   ”Yes, I’ll marry you. But promise me one thing… NO KIDS!”

Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
   Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
   A microwave won’t brown your meat!

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey?
   A jockey can mount three year olds legally.

Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus?
   He couldn’t get the stains out of his clown suit.

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
   Got two fives for a ten?

What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
   You know, I feel like a new boy!

What was the big break in the Micheal Jackson molestation case?
   A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found… a white glove.

Why’s Michael cutting down on public appearances?
   He wants to spend more time with the kids.

What’s 6 + 46 + 5?
   A threesome with Michael Jackson.

What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
   ”Boy, that’s a relief. I though she married a black guy!”

Why did Pepsi sign up Michael Jackson for their ads?
   Because he likes the taste of a new generation.

Where is Michael Jackson’s other glove?
   In Brooke Shields’ pants.

What is Michael Jackson’s favorite game to play at night?
   Hide the pickle in the pajamas.

What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
   Both ride 4 year olds.

Why is Michael Jackson’s album new entitled “Bad”?
   Because he couldn’t spell “Pathetic”.

If you play Thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That’s why it’s 14 minutes long.

What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson?
   They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.

What happens when Michael talks about sex?
   It’s all very tongue in cheek.

How will the Government ensure that Michael Jackson gets a thorough body search?
   Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO?
   The PLO pulled out of Jordan.

What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?
   They both pulled out of Jordan.

Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 50?
   Yeah, but he still feels like a 10 year old.

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
   Michael Jackson.

What’s Michael’s favorite Canadian TV show?
   The Kids in the Hall.

The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.

The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both.

Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both.

The boy then asks “Father, is Michael Jackson God?”

Why does Micheal Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
   He likes to come in a little behind.

How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
   Pizza and Nintendo.

Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
A: Michael Jackson.

What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
   A Michael Jackson slumber party.

How do you know when it’s bedtime at the Jackson residence?
   When the big hand touches the little hand…

What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
   They both like a little crack now and then.

Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
   It’s white chocolate with no nuts…. (but the kids like it).

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe

1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable.

2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for ‘Captain EO’.

3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean’s son.

4. Could really walk on moons.

5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith.

6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of ‘Beat It’.

7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had.

8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic.

9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet

10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly.

How many Puerto Ricans does it take to have a bath?
   Five.  One to lie in the tub and four to spit on him.

Why don’t Puerto Ricans have check books?
   They find it too hard to sign their names in spray paint.

Why is a Puerto Rican like a skunk?
   Because they’re half balck and half white, and smell like shit.

Installing Your Nigger
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model.  Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together.  Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don’t even think about taking that chain off, ever.  Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them.  This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud.  House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.  At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name.  Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data.  Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger.  If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L’Tanya, or Jemima.  Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine, Porcelain or Linoleum for a joke.  Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes.  These names go straight over your nigger’s head, by the way.

Configuring Your Nigger
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords.  Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus – “muh dick” being the most popular.  However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger’s tongue.  Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier – at least, you won’t hear it complaining anywhere near as much.  Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway.  Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger’s).  This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it’s a mystery why this is not done on the boat.

Housing Your Nigger
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars.  Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through.  The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage.  So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers.  You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground.  Don’t worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage.  Niggers never invented the shovel before and they’re not about to now.  In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape.  As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put.  Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

Feeding Your Nigger
Your nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon.  You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn’t deserve it.  Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water.  Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc.  Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day.  Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives.  He reports he doesn’t have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result.  You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained.  You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton.  You really would. Coffee beans?  Don’t ask. You have no idea.

Making Your Nigger Work
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind.  The nigger’s most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life.  Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way.  The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working.  After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won’t be back until tomorrow.  Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns.  At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely.  Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight.  Niggers can start work at around 5am.  You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am.  Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

Entertaining Your Nigger
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly.  A happy smiling nigger works best.  Games niggers enjoy include:  1) A good thrashing:  Every few days, take your nigger’s pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip.  Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing.  2) Lynch the nigger:  Niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from.  So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.  Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched.  It makes them feel special.  Make your other niggers watch.  They’ll be so grateful, they’ll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one).  3) Nigger dragging:  Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50 mph.  Your nigger’s shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles.  It will shriek until it falls apart.  To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon.  This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun.  Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit.  4) Playing on the PNL: A variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time.  Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood.  5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans.  WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

Disposing Of Dead Niggers
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go.  Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact.  When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger.  The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

Common Problems With Niggers

My nigger is very aggressive.
   Have it put down, for god’s sake.  Who needs an uppity nigger?  What are we, short of niggers or something?

My nigger keeps raping white women.
   They all do this.  Shorten your nigger’s chain so it can’t reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

Will my nigger attack me?
   Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it’s not likely.  If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they’d have to sort out their own food.  This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

My nigger keeps bitching about its “rights” and racism.
   Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

My nigger’s hide is a funny color.   What is the correct shade for a nigger?
   A nigger’s skin is actually more or less transparent.  That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of.  This is why some models of nigger are sold as “The Shitskin”.

My nigger acts like a nigger but it is white.
   What you have there is a “wigger”.

Is that like an Albino?  Are they rare?
   They’re as common as dog shit and about as valuable.  In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000.  Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you’ll soon find it stops acting like a nigger.  However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it.  The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

My nigger smells really bad.
   And you were expecting what?

Should I store my dead nigger?
   When you came in here, did you see a sign that said “Dead nigger storage”?.   That’s because there ain’t no goddamn sign.

A gentleman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Honey

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………Cherry
Yellow……………Lemon
Green……………Lime
Orange …………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,” she said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my God!! They’re assholes.”

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “Nothing…?  You”ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiry date.”

Wife : “Do you want dinner?”
Husband : “Sure!  What are my choices?”
Wife : “Yes and no.”

Wife: “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”
Hubby: “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
Wife: “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
Hubby: “Yes!  I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It”s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well that’s because we aren”t married yet.”

Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.”
Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.”

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune.”

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: “Thanks for the early warning.”

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”

A Smart Man

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 98 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

…I think not.

Golfing Lesson

Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.  So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Golf Course or Intercourse?”

She said, “Wear your sweater so you don’t catch a cold.”

0 to 200 in 4.2

Tom was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4.2 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Tom has been missing since Friday.

The Perfect Life

You’re sitting at the table and…

Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

A Taste of Things to Come

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Oh Shit!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device… A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

“I’ll explain the toy. You explain the kids.”

Good Trade

Sue was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sue tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sue.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sue looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

“Good trade…”

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a womans way of saying FUCK YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the womans response refer to # 3.

No More Shopping Together

After I retired, my wife insisted that I  accompany her on her trips to WalMart.  Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and out.  Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WalMart.
 
Dear Mrs. Sams,

Over the past six  months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from  the store. Our complaints against Mr. Sams are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
 
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
 
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET  FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping  department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
 
9. September 4: Looked right into  the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants and large knives were.
 
11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he  practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
 
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
 
And last, but not least…
 
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited  awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in  here!”
 
Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager

With Husbands Like This…

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting in a supermarket.   When she went before the judge he asked her, ”What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was just compulsive.  The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied “Six.”

The judge said, “Then I will then give you six days in jail.” 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment,  the woman’s husband stood up and spoke and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?” 

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either.”

Heaven At Last

A Muslim has died and has arrived in Heaven.  He is very excited as, all his life, he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.  Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammed?” he asks

“No, my son.  I am Peter.  Mohammed is higher up.”

And he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides.

He meets another bearded man.

Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Jesus.  Mohammed is higher up still.”

Mohammed higher than Jesus!  The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

“Are you Mohammed?”

“No, I am Moses.  Mohammed is higher still.”

Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son.  I am God.  But you look exhausted.  Would you like a Coffee?”

“Yes please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

“Mohammed, two coffees please!”

Perspective

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the side walk.  On the other side of the street they see a 12 year old boy.  The priest says “Lets go fuck him.”  The rabbi looks for a minute and then says “Out of what?”

What’s red, green, blue, orange, yellow, and white?
   An Italian dressed up.

Did you hear about the advertisement for Italian army rifles?
   “Never been used and only dropped once.”

How can you tell a Italian airline?
   It’s the one with hair under the wings.